| IN THE SHADE OF THE SUN |
[03 Sep 2009|09:33am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 distressed |
] |
Itsbeen a while since I've felt the way I do presently. What is this feeling? If you wanted I could pinpoint it on an emotional map blindfolded. It's that close. It used to be a stranger I would pass on the street. Now it's my siameese twin joined at the hip. It follows me where ever I go, haunting me. Reminding me of what a failure I've become in my old age. The closer I get to death, the more I seem to welcome it. I wish to kill this phantasm but it's been a host to my body for too long now that I no longer have the energies to fight and banish it. Divine intervention would tell me to believe in myself. To keep fighting.
But I can't.
I've lost all satiety for life. Photographs remind me of this. Comparrisons from a simpler time. A happier time.
But you know it's not just that. It's a loss of religion. My lease on hope has expired and now I'm left searching for... Something new? No. A return.
No that's not right either.
I'm not sure of anything anymore. I answer to a father figure these days. He's not supposed to be. He too has absorbed a Poltergeist. I can't identify which one. But it clashes with me. It tries to convince me that it hates me and that I am utterly useless. A biproduct of the worst human qualities imaginable.
Right now the house is quiet. If I close my eyes and shut my ears I can transport to better times.
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| WHAT'S IT FOR |
[26 Apr 2009|06:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 angry |
] |
OOOOO! I'm so fucking pissed! Been sitting here struggling with math all god damn day by myself. I thought he was going to help. It pisses me off that I had to text him. Had I known that I would have done that shits sooner. I thought he cared. Instead he made it a point to tell me how upset I made him when I asked a simple fucking question. Get over it! Get over yourself! I can't fucking read your mind!
*darkstar*
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| BREATH IN |
[22 Mar 2009|11:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 morose |
] |
blah blah blah... fuss fuss fuss...
Are you in or are you out? Leave your things behind because they're leaving without.
There is beauty in the breakdown.
It's alright.
Just jump in.
It's so amazing.
One day I will feel whole again. A fraction waiting to be added up.
blah blah blah... fuss fuss fuss...
Those are the only reasons why you ever come here anyway.
*darkstar*
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| EMBED |
[01 Jan 2009|01:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drunk |
] |
Possibilities seem endless
COuld it be that I've reached the end?
I have suddenly become witness to a mind stemming bend
*darkstar*
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| FOUL |
[10 Dec 2008|07:45am] |
|
Fuck fuck fuck. Hate angry no love fuck. I don't want to be here. I want to get back to bed. So sleeepy. So cranky. ANGRY! Illogical. *darkstar* Posted via LiveJournal.app.
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| AT THE NINE |
[29 Nov 2008|11:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
What do I do here anymore... Who even reads this... Why do I care?
I use this for me...
You use this for you...
I use this to find out about you...
But you never update.
I'm sick of reading about anorexic girls and their obsession with food (even though they fear it).
I used to be that way. I changed. I discovered happiness; exercise.
You should update. At least once a week.
Or every other if that makes things easier.
Indulge me, least I stop indulging you...
*darkstar*
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| TOLD YOU SO |
[25 Nov 2008|08:19am] |
|
God dammit. 10% you have nobody to blame but yourself. Perhaps it's not even worth mentioning. What's the reason? There isn't any. I just want to fight this pain away until I don't have to worry any more. I'm taking my time walking to work. Bit even that won't stop the inevitable. *darkstar* Posted via LiveJournal.app.
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| FIN |
[15 Nov 2008|05:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
Today marked the end of an era. This was something that I knew would always happen. It was only inevitable. A part of me feels like it has died, and that I feel responsible for it. I can't stop thinking of this as a death, no matter how I frame it.
I can't believe how fast these 4 years have just flown by.
(this is not depressing, you only feel this way because you are forfeiting the right to receive discounts and spend time with your friends)
I wish things never changed... I was comfortable...
(but you weren't growing... sure you could have... but in all reality, it wasn't going to happen because in your heart of hearts you didn't want to)
The job is stable...
Fuck... It's done. There is nothing left to do now but get over it and move on.
You will always have your memories and your memories will have you.
*darkstar*
PS After 4 years of working for Apple, I have finally quit. Nov. 17th 2004-Nov. 28th 2008
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| TURNED OFF |
[29 Oct 2008|08:45am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 stressed |
] |
Everybody I've spoken to has said the same thing; You'll be fine. But I don't feel fine. Not one bit. I feel so down. I feel so... out of it. Like a ship lost at sea. I am unaware of which direction to turn. This was supposed to be a longer entry. Just like I was supposed to be a stronger person.
Who is this stong person people speak of? Have I forgotten that I am? Do I have amnesia? I must have been stong at one point in my life because 3 out of 3 people agree that I am. As of right now, I'm not much more then a sobbing sack of flesh who hasn't an idea of which road to travel down.
And it's tearing me apart.
I'm so tired. I need to get some rest. I need to finish some homework. I need to study for a test. I need to drink a mocha, and not think about the rest of my day.
*darkstar*
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| Cuatro |
[25 Oct 2008|02:02pm] |
|
I've been distracted and now I've lost focus. I don't know if I'll be able to keep this up much longer. Sigh... This is mostly because I'm lazy. Actually fuck that! It's because there are concierge who function just fine without me. I'm so torn! I really think I've reached the end of my rope with patience. But... It's only for a little while longer. Or is it? So much is happening so fast. I just want a second to stop and smell the roses. Umm... *darkstar*
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| WALK IT OUT |
[13 Oct 2008|06:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
Holy shit! I am all over Beyoncé's new video!!!! hahahaha! Here it is if you are curious...
Here is the YouTube version if that suits you better....
As hot as that shit is, it certainly ain't original. Beyonce jacked that shit from the Fosse "Mexican Breakfast" bitches. Beyonce doesn't even come close to being as hot as these hos. She needs to watch this video below and try again!
LOL
*darkstar*
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| PERMANENCE |
[04 Oct 2008|04:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crappy |
] |
Solo concierging can cause some side effects. Side effects include nausea, headaches, fatigue, exaustion, and diarrhea...
Well, maybe not that last part. But most certainly the ones before it. Every face I see is a needy customer. Every needy customer I see wants an iPhone. Every iPhone I see produces the side effects listed (sometimes that last one though).
I'm ready to move on. I wish I knew more about the status of our (Dana and me) loan. I could give answers to inevitable questions.
Now I've got the shivers. God dammit.
*darkstar*
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| NEEDS NONE |
[02 Oct 2008|10:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
I'm finished. Done. Spent on worries whose foundations are rooted in fear. Such a union of emotions so opposite from the very core of my life's philosophy that I dare not waste another second on useless worry. It only leads to self destruction. It will only take but a moment for you to realize that. For I am done looking into your eyes and finding only loss.
*darkstar*
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| TREASURES UNTOLD |
[02 Oct 2008|07:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 accomplished |
] |
Blah blah blah... God damnit... Play Banjo Tooie now... Feel better later... Must numb the senses first...
*darkstar*
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| FUNCTION NOTATION |
[25 Sep 2008|07:45am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
Angry. Frustrated. Urg...
A simple answer gets lost in an ocean of questions. Do I have it all backwards? I ask, you tell. A question manifests out of need and selfish desire to acquire truth. Your eyes answer what your speech cannot. How many more questions will be lost to your incapasities? My speech tells me too many.
*darkstar*
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|
|
[27 Aug 2008|03:47pm] |
It is so nice out. So nice that k decided to sit outside during my lunch break. When I get back I'll only have to work 4 more hours until I'm off.
Umm
Now that school has started back up for people the store isn't as busy... Or maybe it's just not as busy in the same way.
In any case, we did get another concierge on our team. What's nice about HIM (yes, an actual man on the concierge team) is that he is a transfer from the Santa Rosa store (meaning I don't have to spend too much time training him).
Ugh.
So many things to talk about.
It's soooo nice out.
I'm glad I went outside.
*darkstar*
|
|
| BORROW |
[20 Aug 2008|07:10am] |
I just found an app on the iTunes store that allows me to post to lj without having to visit the website. I thought I'd try it out...
As for everything else (looking for a place to live) the hunt continues.
*darkstar*
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| POST-MODERN SLEAZE |
[14 Aug 2008|04:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
aggravated |
] |
Sigh....
I had the words for this entry all ready to be written before I sat down to write them.
They included nouns like iPhone, work...
And adjectives like shitty, wiggity wack...
oh fuck this...
*darkstar*
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| HEAVY BREATHING |
[01 Aug 2008|03:32am] |
sleep is lost to me only to replaced and filled with nightmares about work. Curses. My dreams bridge a gap to work where I live eternally at the mall. Can't I just enjoy my day off in peace?
*darkstar*
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| TO LOW TO GET UNDER |
[25 Jul 2008|09:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
aggravated |
] |
I am so fucking pissed.... Are you demanding reasons...? Do you really think I want to tell you...? I have anger, yet I do not know what to do with it. Start something then. You gotta be starting something.
*darkstar*
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| TIME SQUARE DON'T SHINE AS BRIGHT AS YOU |
[25 Jun 2008|08:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
I've been using facebook lately. And yes, I mean actually using it. Not signing in to see if others have been updating. I absolutely abhor myspace, yet facebook, which is not much different in its purpose (social networking) seems much more accessible and less obtrusive. I don't know.
Dana said something to me last night that almost made me cry. Not in a bad way. This was completely the opposite. He said he wanted to keep me. Forever. I meant to ask how he planned on doing that. Perhaps I'll find out later.
I started swimming at the new CCSF pool for the summer. I love it. It is a great way to break up my exercise routine. Running was starting to become a chore (LOL).
Because it isn't already ;-)
I've had that Hey There Delilah song stuck in my head since yesterday.
Anyway, I'm done for now.
*darkstar*
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| SALE |
[18 Jun 2008|12:36pm] |
So work is different. I can't quite put my finger on what and where this feeling stems from; its just there. My knowlegde levels seem to be dropping. I think I am reaching a level of saturation beyond anything I have ever known. I feel changed. No longer the saavy go to girl I used to be. Now I am just a concierge. What does a concierge do? Take flak for shit from creatives.
Another item that has recently caused issue with my calm is with my coworker. Out of nowhere he gets upset about ... I can't finish my thought.
I can't wait until I'm off from work.
I know what I want, there is no need to wish for such things. I am confident in my own ability to continue or create my own success(es).
What use shall these feelings have lest for festering and driving the vehical of insanity.
*darkstar*
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| GOOGLE ME |
[11 May 2008|07:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bored |
] |
It is my dream to one day google my name and find more than past projects or pictures I drew for a contest.
*darkstar*
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|
|
[04 May 2008|12:22pm] |
Surly this cannot be the end. With what little strength I have left, I can barely manage my happiness let alone my future. Not all who wander, find themselves that way forever. Show me the meaning of haste.
*darkstar*
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| BE LIKE HER |
[11 Apr 2008|03:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
Two entries in one day must mean the winds are changing. It has to be. I am strong. Or am I?
I think I have figured it out. I am expected to have high energy. I am expected to be happy. I don't want to be if I am not.
Low points in my life leave me looking for direction. I feel like I have none. I must have lost it sometime in between January and now.
What could be my solution? Is there even one to be had? You've been burning the candle at both ends.
I pick up the phone to call somebody. But I immediately put it back down. What can a person do for me that I can't?
Contradictions.
*darkstar*
|
|
| SNAPSHOT |
[11 Apr 2008|08:55am] |
Well, since my baby left me,
I found a new place to dwell.
Its down at the end of lonely street
At heartbreak hotel.
You make me so lonely baby,
I get so lonely,
I get so lonely I could die.
And although it's always crowded,
You still can find some room.
Where broken hearted lovers
Do cry away their gloom.
You make me so lonely baby,
I get so lonely,
I get so lonely I could die.
Well, the bell hops tears keep flowin,
And the desk clerks dressed in black.
Well they been so long on lonely street
They aint ever gonna look back.
You make me so lonely baby,
I get so lonely,
I get so lonely I could die.
Hey now, if your baby leaves you,
And you got a tale to tell.
Just take a walk down lonely street
To heartbreak hotel.
|
|
| GOODMO |
[07 Apr 2008|08:38am] |
No thoughts or words to spare. Just mindless rambling. That's all I have to offer. I wish I had more to say. Actually I do. The truth is that my words are to intense to share. So I share them with no one. What's the point then? Well I guess you can try. Lazy. Yes.
*darkstar*
feeling fat and worn. what must i, rather, what should i do to revitalize my well being? run. bike. attend my classes. stay on top of things and thins.
please.
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|
| NO MORE |
[25 Feb 2008|11:11am] |
To write words of tribute is not enough to return all of the thanks equal to your years of generousity. Too many times. Dear Grammy. Thank you for all your kindness. You can rest in peace now.
Margaret Macko
Sep 22nd, 1922 6:28am — Feb 24th, 2008 11:45pm
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sk8erdarkstar's journal